he agreed with me when i asked him whether he was fighting so much for his freedom, unwilling to compromise his lavish for me because of what she did.
that all that mental anguish he felt with her - being supressed from not going out. her controlling nature.
that he cant seem to let that go. and that im being punished for it.
so, and i guess in order to stop being one of those girls or people who face palms themselves later on - is it apparent that he's not ready for a relationship? and if so, why am i still here?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Day 7
So I've been doing some thinking.
he says he needs time and that that's the only thing i can give him. time to sort himself out. time to make a decision as to how he's going to handle this. and time for... god knows what else.
he said that he wants me. i dont know how he's going to achieve that.
i know he's not trying to push me away, but he is. and im doing the exact same thing for the past month or so now.
and i dont know whether the 'time' that he needs is really going to help anything. cause i don't understand what he needs time for. i dont even think he's been thinking about it because a. he's been going out and b. he's been sick with a fever for 2 days.
so what he's going to come back with i have no idea, and WHEN he's going to come back with it, who fkn knows.
i've lost the connection to be perfectly honest with you. i thought by telling him exactly how i felt would help, and to an extent it did. but now, the fact that he needs time to think about it all, leaves me frustrated and sitting here wondering what on earth is going to happen to fix all of this.
all i want is time and attention from him. and given by the reaction i'm getting, clearly time and attention is going to require alot more effort on his behalf. but i cant help but think that it's not going to work, cause he'll start giving me time and attention, sure, but am i just not even going to give him a fighting chance to demonstrate this? can i even hold out long enough?
i don't know whether im overreacting about this. everyone says its apparent he cares, let him try and fix it. but is it just beyond fixing? a week has already passed - granted that half of that was my time and now the second half is his time but still. its already one week and i havent really felt the affects of it yet, so what happens when it hits 2 weeks? or 3 weeks? what then? will i even try contacting him then?
it just seems like, although yes, i was the one who wanted the break, he was the one who gave it... he's not making an effort to call, granted he texts me every now and again to initiate the conversation but... i dont know.
maybe he's not calling cause he just doesn't know what to say? he has nothing to bring to the table.
this would all be much easier if it was just yes or a no. i so hate to live in the grey.
he says he needs time and that that's the only thing i can give him. time to sort himself out. time to make a decision as to how he's going to handle this. and time for... god knows what else.
he said that he wants me. i dont know how he's going to achieve that.
i know he's not trying to push me away, but he is. and im doing the exact same thing for the past month or so now.
and i dont know whether the 'time' that he needs is really going to help anything. cause i don't understand what he needs time for. i dont even think he's been thinking about it because a. he's been going out and b. he's been sick with a fever for 2 days.
so what he's going to come back with i have no idea, and WHEN he's going to come back with it, who fkn knows.
i've lost the connection to be perfectly honest with you. i thought by telling him exactly how i felt would help, and to an extent it did. but now, the fact that he needs time to think about it all, leaves me frustrated and sitting here wondering what on earth is going to happen to fix all of this.
all i want is time and attention from him. and given by the reaction i'm getting, clearly time and attention is going to require alot more effort on his behalf. but i cant help but think that it's not going to work, cause he'll start giving me time and attention, sure, but am i just not even going to give him a fighting chance to demonstrate this? can i even hold out long enough?
i don't know whether im overreacting about this. everyone says its apparent he cares, let him try and fix it. but is it just beyond fixing? a week has already passed - granted that half of that was my time and now the second half is his time but still. its already one week and i havent really felt the affects of it yet, so what happens when it hits 2 weeks? or 3 weeks? what then? will i even try contacting him then?
it just seems like, although yes, i was the one who wanted the break, he was the one who gave it... he's not making an effort to call, granted he texts me every now and again to initiate the conversation but... i dont know.
maybe he's not calling cause he just doesn't know what to say? he has nothing to bring to the table.
this would all be much easier if it was just yes or a no. i so hate to live in the grey.
Day 6
I am fucking exasperated
He says he needs more time to think about it. Think about what?
He says he knows that he wants me. How does he know? Apparently it's an instinct thing
He says that I need to understand that because I'm expecting some miracle, it doesn't happen instantly and that I need to give him time. That he's doing it for the both of us.
I say fck that. I am frustrated. I need something more solid. That him telling me that he wants me is just not fucking good enough
I am fucking frustrated and I don't want to wait around. Wait around for WHAT?!
I've deactivated my fb. I don't want to be distracted anymore. I don't want to look at his posts anymore. I just don't fucking care. I'm over it.
He says he needs more time to think about it. Think about what?
He says he knows that he wants me. How does he know? Apparently it's an instinct thing
He says that I need to understand that because I'm expecting some miracle, it doesn't happen instantly and that I need to give him time. That he's doing it for the both of us.
I say fck that. I am frustrated. I need something more solid. That him telling me that he wants me is just not fucking good enough
I am fucking frustrated and I don't want to wait around. Wait around for WHAT?!
I've deactivated my fb. I don't want to be distracted anymore. I don't want to look at his posts anymore. I just don't fucking care. I'm over it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Day 2-3
I spoke to him today. and laid everything out on the table.
i told him that i felt he needed to at least know what i was thinking, so that he can make an informed decision. that i felt he really needed to think about what he wanted in this relationship, in A relationship as well as what he wanted in life. because how he feels would make my decision alot easier for me.
i told him that im very angry. that i resent him. that all of the things that i feel and the things that i feel HE has put me through, had made me hate him. and that i don't know what else to feel.
i gave him an example - re: attention in a club
that he is never around. and initially i hated it. and initially i fought it. and i had mentioned it to him. but nothing ever changed. nothing ever happened. and then i resented it. and then i started hating it so much that i stopped caring. stopped caring where he was in the club. never looked for him in the club. and never bothered to even stop and talk to him in the club.
and once i started with the examples, i couldnt stop.
re: his friday and saturday nights
i hated going clubbing. and i hated going to bars. i just wanted to spend time with him. was that too much to ask? but he never stopped going. he never compromised. so in order to spend time with him, i had to go as well. so i resented it. i stopped leaving time aside for him on fridays and saturdays. i stopped myself from being disappointed. and now, i never want to spend my fridays and saturdays with him.
i resent having to march to the beat of his drum.
i asked him, whether this was a result of his previous relationship. that was she that suffocating that he, to this day, still feels like he has to fight for his freedom. for his social activities.
i dont ask him to stay with me. i dont ask him to spend all his time with me. and i sure dont ask him to tell me everything that he does.
so why, does he behave in such a way that it feels like he needs to escape from me? why am i being punished for a lifestyle that i had nothing to do with?
why can he say no to me so easily, and be at everyone else's beck and call? i am not asking for much. i am merely pointing out that he chooses his social activities with his friends, people that he can see during the week over his girlfriend. the person that he apparently wants to be with.
why am i only given bits of the weekend and a wednesday night? but his friends can have the most precious nights of the week. why am i still marching to the beat of his drum?
i told him that i love him. that if i didnt love him, i would have left a long time ago. but even so, i am already out that door but i am just waiting for some miracle that i dont think will happen.
and he agreed with me. said that everything that i said, was true. and that he was sorry. very sorry for putting me through that, for making me feel like that and that he did not understand the magnitude of the pain that i was feeling.
i told him that he needs to think about what he wants. whether he even wants all of this. and he quickly said that of course he did, but he needs to think about it. before he can tell me what he wants.
it feels good to tell him. to tell him how much im hurting. to tell me everything that im feeling. and it's good to know that he understands and that he has no objections to how im feeling.
but i would be very surprised if a miracle happens. and i would be even more surprised if i choose to stay and work this out.
i told him that i felt he needed to at least know what i was thinking, so that he can make an informed decision. that i felt he really needed to think about what he wanted in this relationship, in A relationship as well as what he wanted in life. because how he feels would make my decision alot easier for me.
i told him that im very angry. that i resent him. that all of the things that i feel and the things that i feel HE has put me through, had made me hate him. and that i don't know what else to feel.
i gave him an example - re: attention in a club
that he is never around. and initially i hated it. and initially i fought it. and i had mentioned it to him. but nothing ever changed. nothing ever happened. and then i resented it. and then i started hating it so much that i stopped caring. stopped caring where he was in the club. never looked for him in the club. and never bothered to even stop and talk to him in the club.
and once i started with the examples, i couldnt stop.
re: his friday and saturday nights
i hated going clubbing. and i hated going to bars. i just wanted to spend time with him. was that too much to ask? but he never stopped going. he never compromised. so in order to spend time with him, i had to go as well. so i resented it. i stopped leaving time aside for him on fridays and saturdays. i stopped myself from being disappointed. and now, i never want to spend my fridays and saturdays with him.
i resent having to march to the beat of his drum.
i asked him, whether this was a result of his previous relationship. that was she that suffocating that he, to this day, still feels like he has to fight for his freedom. for his social activities.
i dont ask him to stay with me. i dont ask him to spend all his time with me. and i sure dont ask him to tell me everything that he does.
so why, does he behave in such a way that it feels like he needs to escape from me? why am i being punished for a lifestyle that i had nothing to do with?
why can he say no to me so easily, and be at everyone else's beck and call? i am not asking for much. i am merely pointing out that he chooses his social activities with his friends, people that he can see during the week over his girlfriend. the person that he apparently wants to be with.
why am i only given bits of the weekend and a wednesday night? but his friends can have the most precious nights of the week. why am i still marching to the beat of his drum?
i told him that i love him. that if i didnt love him, i would have left a long time ago. but even so, i am already out that door but i am just waiting for some miracle that i dont think will happen.
and he agreed with me. said that everything that i said, was true. and that he was sorry. very sorry for putting me through that, for making me feel like that and that he did not understand the magnitude of the pain that i was feeling.
i told him that he needs to think about what he wants. whether he even wants all of this. and he quickly said that of course he did, but he needs to think about it. before he can tell me what he wants.
it feels good to tell him. to tell him how much im hurting. to tell me everything that im feeling. and it's good to know that he understands and that he has no objections to how im feeling.
but i would be very surprised if a miracle happens. and i would be even more surprised if i choose to stay and work this out.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Heart on the Sleeve Complex
Day 1
So day 1 went by okay. a little hitch here and there. a couple of random texts and a few emails of confirmation. relatively successful.
was enlightened quite a few times last night through random courses of conversation. here are a couple of stand-out nuggets:
Re: Pain
Love it not worth having or experiencing if you don't go through the pain.
a pretty honest sentiment. but a sentiment that i find very difficult to digest. sure I may impart words of wisdom along those lines to close friends and those who seek my advice but it's apparent that I am not a follower of what I preach.
Why is pain synonymous with love? Why is love the bearer of pain? and Why is it, that if you don't feel pain, you must not have been in love?
Re: The Value of it All
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose
A statement you hear so very often in reference to just about everything. Correction. In reference to just about every possible regret or mistake you're about to make.
According to a wise owl, if I walk away, I lose the dream. All the things that I've said I felt about him. All the things that I wish to have with him. Will all go down the drain. And if I stay? All of that could possibly work out.
But why the hesitation? Why the lack of the clear ringing of the bell to say, 'Ding-Ding! You've got a winner here! This is the easiest decision you ever have to make' Why am I still tossing and turn about this decision? And why am I still thinking to walk away?
Am I that much of a coward? Or am I too much of a realist?
A coward because I dont want to stay and fight. I dont want to work this through. I dont want to try and see if I and we can get past this mental wall of anguish I've built. That the pain I'm feeling now and the pain I will feel in trying to make this work will override the possible happiness or future that we can have?
Or a realist because I know the pain is just too much. That the relationship is not worth saving. That the relationship is just a piece of fiction - it's something that I want so bad that I've just created all this hype and now I'm realising that it's definitely falling short of everything that I had ever hoped or wished it to be?
What do we actually have? Because in comparison to my definition of a coward and a realist, it pretty much is the same thing. Am I just extremely negative? Why won't I give it a chance to survive? But what if I'm wrong? Who's going to pick up the pieces after I am mentally drained in trying to ressurect something that is destined to fail. Why continue flagging a dead horse?
Re: Anger
It's normal to feel angry if you're feeling neglected
Breakthrough of the night - I have alot of anger. Alot of pent up anger. Towards him. Towards everything he does. Towards everything he has done to us. Towards everything he has done to me.
I hate feeling upset. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling like I am wasting my time. I hate feeling this entirely new experience and feeling like I am some fucking little whiney little bitch for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. I hate myself for feeling like I am asking for too much. I hate this feeling of dependence. And most of all? I hate him for making me feel this way.
It's gotten to a point where I don't want to spend anytime with him. Because I resent him. I don't want to be available to him anymore. I don't want to feel as if I'm still running on his schedule. I feel like I've lost my independence. And I resent him for it.
I dont want to reciprocate his affection anymore because I feel that I shouldn't be open to him when he clearly isn't open to me.
I have alot of anger and resentment. And I don't think I can shake it.
This is where all of this is stemming from. All of this discord. All of this imbalance. Is because I am angry. Very very angry.
The sad thing?
I don't think there is anything that can be done to fix this. There is no quick fix. There is only the need for time. But time for what? Time for me to continue dwelling on these feelings? Time for me to be constantly disappointed? Time for me to try and be patient. Time for me to bite my tongue and not scream. Time for me to pretend to reciprocate his affection?
It's my fault. I've let this fester so much that it's irrepairable.
Nothing can be done sort of a drastic change. But what change would fix this? But the real question is: why won't I give it a chance to be fixed?
I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain.
Why don't I believe this?
So day 1 went by okay. a little hitch here and there. a couple of random texts and a few emails of confirmation. relatively successful.
was enlightened quite a few times last night through random courses of conversation. here are a couple of stand-out nuggets:
Re: Pain
Love it not worth having or experiencing if you don't go through the pain.
a pretty honest sentiment. but a sentiment that i find very difficult to digest. sure I may impart words of wisdom along those lines to close friends and those who seek my advice but it's apparent that I am not a follower of what I preach.
Why is pain synonymous with love? Why is love the bearer of pain? and Why is it, that if you don't feel pain, you must not have been in love?
Re: The Value of it All
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose
A statement you hear so very often in reference to just about everything. Correction. In reference to just about every possible regret or mistake you're about to make.
According to a wise owl, if I walk away, I lose the dream. All the things that I've said I felt about him. All the things that I wish to have with him. Will all go down the drain. And if I stay? All of that could possibly work out.
But why the hesitation? Why the lack of the clear ringing of the bell to say, 'Ding-Ding! You've got a winner here! This is the easiest decision you ever have to make' Why am I still tossing and turn about this decision? And why am I still thinking to walk away?
Am I that much of a coward? Or am I too much of a realist?
A coward because I dont want to stay and fight. I dont want to work this through. I dont want to try and see if I and we can get past this mental wall of anguish I've built. That the pain I'm feeling now and the pain I will feel in trying to make this work will override the possible happiness or future that we can have?
Or a realist because I know the pain is just too much. That the relationship is not worth saving. That the relationship is just a piece of fiction - it's something that I want so bad that I've just created all this hype and now I'm realising that it's definitely falling short of everything that I had ever hoped or wished it to be?
What do we actually have? Because in comparison to my definition of a coward and a realist, it pretty much is the same thing. Am I just extremely negative? Why won't I give it a chance to survive? But what if I'm wrong? Who's going to pick up the pieces after I am mentally drained in trying to ressurect something that is destined to fail. Why continue flagging a dead horse?
Re: Anger
It's normal to feel angry if you're feeling neglected
Breakthrough of the night - I have alot of anger. Alot of pent up anger. Towards him. Towards everything he does. Towards everything he has done to us. Towards everything he has done to me.
I hate feeling upset. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling like I am wasting my time. I hate feeling this entirely new experience and feeling like I am some fucking little whiney little bitch for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. I hate myself for feeling like I am asking for too much. I hate this feeling of dependence. And most of all? I hate him for making me feel this way.
It's gotten to a point where I don't want to spend anytime with him. Because I resent him. I don't want to be available to him anymore. I don't want to feel as if I'm still running on his schedule. I feel like I've lost my independence. And I resent him for it.
I dont want to reciprocate his affection anymore because I feel that I shouldn't be open to him when he clearly isn't open to me.
I have alot of anger and resentment. And I don't think I can shake it.
This is where all of this is stemming from. All of this discord. All of this imbalance. Is because I am angry. Very very angry.
The sad thing?
I don't think there is anything that can be done to fix this. There is no quick fix. There is only the need for time. But time for what? Time for me to continue dwelling on these feelings? Time for me to be constantly disappointed? Time for me to try and be patient. Time for me to bite my tongue and not scream. Time for me to pretend to reciprocate his affection?
It's my fault. I've let this fester so much that it's irrepairable.
Nothing can be done sort of a drastic change. But what change would fix this? But the real question is: why won't I give it a chance to be fixed?
I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain.
Why don't I believe this?
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