Day 2-3

I spoke to him today. and laid everything out on the table.

i told him that i felt he needed to at least know what i was thinking, so that he can make an informed decision. that i felt he really needed to think about what he wanted in this relationship, in A relationship as well as what he wanted in life. because how he feels would make my decision alot easier for me.

i told him that im very angry. that i resent him. that all of the things that i feel and the things that i feel HE has put me through, had made me hate him. and that i don't know what else to feel.

i gave him an example - re: attention in a club
that he is never around. and initially i hated it. and initially i fought it. and i had mentioned it to him. but nothing ever changed. nothing ever happened. and then i resented it. and then i started hating it so much that i stopped caring. stopped caring where he was in the club. never looked for him in the club. and never bothered to even stop and talk to him in the club.

and once i started with the examples, i couldnt stop.

re: his friday and saturday nights
i hated going clubbing. and i hated going to bars. i just wanted to spend time with him. was that too much to ask? but he never stopped going. he never compromised. so in order to spend time with him, i had to go as well. so i resented it. i stopped leaving time aside for him on fridays and saturdays. i stopped myself from being disappointed. and now, i never want to spend my fridays and saturdays with him.

i resent having to march to the beat of his drum.

i asked him, whether this was a result of his previous relationship. that was she that suffocating that he, to this day, still feels like he has to fight for his freedom. for his social activities.
i dont ask him to stay with me. i dont ask him to spend all his time with me. and i sure dont ask him to tell me everything that he does.
so why, does he behave in such a way that it feels like he needs to escape from me? why am i being punished for a lifestyle that i had nothing to do with?

why can he say no to me so easily, and be at everyone else's beck and call? i am not asking for much. i am merely pointing out that he chooses his social activities with his friends, people that he can see during the week over his girlfriend. the person that he apparently wants to be with.
why am i only given bits of the weekend and a wednesday night? but his friends can have the most precious nights of the week. why am i still marching to the beat of his drum?

i told him that i love him. that if i didnt love him, i would have left a long time ago. but even so, i am already out that door but i am just waiting for some miracle that i dont think will happen.

and he agreed with me. said that everything that i said, was true. and that he was sorry. very sorry for putting me through that, for making me feel like that and that he did not understand the magnitude of the pain that i was feeling.

i told him that he needs to think about what he wants. whether he even wants all of this. and he quickly said that of course he did, but he needs to think about it. before he can tell me what he wants.

it feels good to tell him. to tell him how much im hurting. to tell me everything that im feeling. and it's good to know that he understands and that he has no objections to how im feeling.

but i would be very surprised if a miracle happens. and i would be even more surprised if i choose to stay and work this out.