Day 1
So day 1 went by okay. a little hitch here and there. a couple of random texts and a few emails of confirmation. relatively successful.
was enlightened quite a few times last night through random courses of conversation. here are a couple of stand-out nuggets:
Re: Pain
Love it not worth having or experiencing if you don't go through the pain.
a pretty honest sentiment. but a sentiment that i find very difficult to digest. sure I may impart words of wisdom along those lines to close friends and those who seek my advice but it's apparent that I am not a follower of what I preach.
Why is pain synonymous with love? Why is love the bearer of pain? and Why is it, that if you don't feel pain, you must not have been in love?
Re: The Value of it All
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose
A statement you hear so very often in reference to just about everything. Correction. In reference to just about every possible regret or mistake you're about to make.
According to a wise owl, if I walk away, I lose the dream. All the things that I've said I felt about him. All the things that I wish to have with him. Will all go down the drain. And if I stay? All of that could possibly work out.
But why the hesitation? Why the lack of the clear ringing of the bell to say, 'Ding-Ding! You've got a winner here! This is the easiest decision you ever have to make' Why am I still tossing and turn about this decision? And why am I still thinking to walk away?
Am I that much of a coward? Or am I too much of a realist?
A coward because I dont want to stay and fight. I dont want to work this through. I dont want to try and see if I and we can get past this mental wall of anguish I've built. That the pain I'm feeling now and the pain I will feel in trying to make this work will override the possible happiness or future that we can have?
Or a realist because I know the pain is just too much. That the relationship is not worth saving. That the relationship is just a piece of fiction - it's something that I want so bad that I've just created all this hype and now I'm realising that it's definitely falling short of everything that I had ever hoped or wished it to be?
What do we actually have? Because in comparison to my definition of a coward and a realist, it pretty much is the same thing. Am I just extremely negative? Why won't I give it a chance to survive? But what if I'm wrong? Who's going to pick up the pieces after I am mentally drained in trying to ressurect something that is destined to fail. Why continue flagging a dead horse?
Re: Anger
It's normal to feel angry if you're feeling neglected
Breakthrough of the night - I have alot of anger. Alot of pent up anger. Towards him. Towards everything he does. Towards everything he has done to us. Towards everything he has done to me.
I hate feeling upset. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling like I am wasting my time. I hate feeling this entirely new experience and feeling like I am some fucking little whiney little bitch for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. I hate myself for feeling like I am asking for too much. I hate this feeling of dependence. And most of all? I hate him for making me feel this way.
It's gotten to a point where I don't want to spend anytime with him. Because I resent him. I don't want to be available to him anymore. I don't want to feel as if I'm still running on his schedule. I feel like I've lost my independence. And I resent him for it.
I dont want to reciprocate his affection anymore because I feel that I shouldn't be open to him when he clearly isn't open to me.
I have alot of anger and resentment. And I don't think I can shake it.
This is where all of this is stemming from. All of this discord. All of this imbalance. Is because I am angry. Very very angry.
The sad thing?
I don't think there is anything that can be done to fix this. There is no quick fix. There is only the need for time. But time for what? Time for me to continue dwelling on these feelings? Time for me to be constantly disappointed? Time for me to try and be patient. Time for me to bite my tongue and not scream. Time for me to pretend to reciprocate his affection?
It's my fault. I've let this fester so much that it's irrepairable.
Nothing can be done sort of a drastic change. But what change would fix this? But the real question is: why won't I give it a chance to be fixed?
I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain.
Why don't I believe this?
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